Remembering My Ghost

https://scott-maiorca.medium.com/d4a038714069

I can remember my dad’s accident. He was standing outside my bedroom window. I see this from across the street. I was barely three, I was never allowed to cross the street, but yet I see our front yard from across the street. My dad collapses and then he’s gone. MY grandparents, his parent materialize. Grandmother Sally is distraught, a cigarette hangs loosely from her mouth. Grandpa John stands to the side: aloof. Grandmother’s sadness will go away. She will have a range of emotions. Granpa John will remain aloof, or angry. He has only three emotions.

This is how I remember my dad’s parathyroid episode. This is not how it happened. My dad Was in San Antonio, TDY, temporary duty assignment, when he collapsed and had to have emergency surgery. My grandparents came to Oklahoma as soon as they could, probably a few days by car. My mother, grandmother, and I drove to San Antonio to see my dad in the hospital. 

I remember none of that. I remember him removing my rusty window screen. Taking it off of the brown brick house, and setting it on the ground, and then collapsing.

It wasn’t the only brickhouse we had when I was a kid. It’s the first time I remember moving. I knew we were somewhere before the brown and red brick house in Midwest City, but no idea where.

 The living room wasn’t carpeted. I’d lay on the floor on Sunday afternoons watching the Sunday Matinee’s creature features and classic Horror films. I was four years old, and my mom delights in telling my sons what a handful I was at that age. The Creature feature may have been the only thing that settled me down.

My Dad was in Medical school and my mom was in graduate school. They both were Air Force officers. Watching Tv kept me out of their hair while they studied.

The house was haunted. I remember looking down the hallway that connected my bedroom to my parents, and seeing it. I was late one night, they were asleep, I’d been put to bed hours before. I don’t know why I was awake staring over the child gate blocking my door. But I was. And there it was. In the center of the hallway was the translucent spectre of a mad scientist, lab coat goggles and all. I did the only thing I could do. I climbed over the child gate and ran straight through him. I didn’t stop until I reached the safety of my parents’ bed.  These events happened almost nightly while we lived in that house. I can still see the translucent mad scientist when I close my eyes and try to remember. I haven’t seen him in a house ever since.

Looking back I was too young to watch Karloff’s Frankenstein, or Chaney’s wolfman. I was to young to be left alone in the living room for hour at a time. Yet I understand now how much that time with the creature feature shaped who I am today. 

I enjoy solitude. I enjoy creature features. Most of all my imagination still goes wild at the creaks of a settling house, or a dark foggy day.

Only now I know it’s my imagination, and not the mad scientist ghost.

 I miss him.

Serving The Amazon Algorithms: Or Why Pen Names Might Matter.

When I first started self publishing I made a decision to publish everything under my own name. It was a declaration for me— a chance to take ownership of my life. After years of hiding from who I was – a writer, or half hearted attempts because I was worried about what people would think, or that I would fail – I decided it was time to let my proverbial freak flag fly and just own who I was. I’m okay with whatever the outcome. It’s not about anyone’s recognition, but my own. It’s about doing my work.

In that vein, I’ve written pulp science fiction, like Carrie Starr and the Rings of Death, short horror flashes like Moon Dog Went Surfing, trippy almost-literary science fiction like Make Me Famous and Transcending the Electric Bardo, and of course essays on weight loss.

Every one of these stories is mine and they represent me and my journey as a writer. It was a great idea. The only problem with it is Amazon’s algorithm doesn’t like it. It likes writers who write one thing and one thing only. That’s how it knows what to recommend. “Fuck the AI Hellspawn algorithms,” I thought.

Unknown to me when I started, that meant fuck my readers, and consequently, fuck my book sales.

My readers, or my potential readers, need that algorithm. It helps them know what to read. Amazon is filled with billions of writers trying to get their stories in front of the right readers and the readers are trying to find the right books.

Not everyone who likes pulp fiction likes literary fiction. Not everyone who likes weight loss stories and tips needs or wants to read zombie tales.

I still think my decision to take ownership of my writing is one of the best I’ve ever made. It’s right up there with marrying my wife, starting my yoga practice, and deciding to eat healthy.

Taking ownership of my writing doesn’t mean I have to publish everything under my own name. Starting today I’m using pen names. My pulp stories will be published under Ray B. Burroughs and the literary-ish stuff will be under Phillip G. Heinlein. These names not only should help the Amazon algorithms to figure out where the stories fit, but also pay tribute to the authors who shaped me as a writer

As much as I like to think my stories are mine, they really are a continuation of the worlds Ray Bradbury , Pierre Boulez, and Edgar rice Burroughs took me to as a child. My edgy literaryish science fiction are as much my own creation as they are te creations of Phillip K. Dick, George Saunders, and Robert Heinlein.

I’ve decided I need to own my writning, pay tribute to my teachers, and of course serve our algorithm overlords.

I’ll let you know how it all works out.

A Stoic Exercise`

I’m finding myself dealing with uncertainty. My temporary job feels like it’s wrapping up. I don’t know if I’ll be kept as they reduce staff. I might be I do my job exceptionally well, but I can’t know that for sure. With the uncertainty comes the anxiety. The second glueing questions, the not knowing.

It presents me with a great stoic exercise. There are aspects of this I can control, do the best job I can. I can’t control if that let’s me keep the job, or if my best is the best — maybe someone is better than me, more useful. I can’t control that, so I shouldn’t try. In this case I should follow my Tao enter the stream, and go with the flow.

As I’m researching my options, moving forward, there are things I can know. Things like are there similar positions available. Can I duplicate the pay scale? I am actively researching these, and should, because I can know the answers. Knowing the answers reduces they uncertainty. It decreases the anxiety. The questions I can’t know th answers to like what happens next, I shouldn’t fret about. I can’t know those answers and that’s where I should enter the stream/go with the flow.

This could be an exercise of any philosophy, I guess, even in the post I’ve mixed Taoism and Stoicism. With the being said I think Epictetus said it better than I could.

“Some things are in our control and others not. Things in our control are opinion, pursuit, desire, aversion, and, in a word, whatever are our own actions. Things not in our control are body, property, reputation, command, and, in one word, whatever are not our actions. The things in our control are by nature free, unrestrained, unhindered; but those not in our control are weak, slavish, restrained, belonging to others. Remember, then, that if you suppose that things which are slavish by nature are also free, and that what belongs to others is your own, then you will be hindered. You will lament, you will be disturbed, and you will find fault both with gods and men. But if you suppose that only to be your own which is your own, and what belongs to others such as it really is, then no one will ever compel you or restrain you. Further, you will find fault with no one or accuse no one. You will do nothing against your will. No one will hurt you, you will have no enemies, and you not be harmed.”

― Epictetus, Enchiridion and Selections from the Discourses

Anger is Contagious

I’m beginning to wonder if anger isn’t simply internal, not just anger but, maybe, all emotions, have a life of their own. Maybe, they are just energy— like waves— crashing across a shore, and we are the shore. Maybe they have a life of their own moving from host to host — like an inter dimensional virus simply looking for a way to replicate themselves.

Either way what if I’m right? What if emotions aren’t internal, a mere biochemical creation? What if they exist out side of us and we are merely receivers?

That would mean when we experience a negative emotional state either our immunity was down and we were infected by it, or we chose to let it in.

Maybe we could choose to stop spreading the virus or choose to diffuse the wave before we let it continue on.

Seems like the right thing to do.

What I’ve Learned Since Publishing Carrie Starr.

I’ve earned several advanced degrees, but I’m definitely a slow learner. I’ve been telling stories, writing them, since first grade. In hindsight it seems obvious I’ve always been a writer— I am a writer. I’ve done my best to avoid that— not sure why. I’m not sure that matters either. The fact I accept that is the important thing.

After years of dabbling, and denying my writing I released my first novel in November of 2019. I assumed I’d release my next one very shortly. I even set up an amazon preorder. I didn’t make my own deadline. I didn’t finish book two Planet of Terror. I didn’t know why either and I felt like a failure, especially refunding the few preorders that had been made.

I’ve come to discover I was trying to write the wrong story. Carrie Starr is fun — pulp— not meant to be deep literature. So, I assumed writing the next would be easy. Maybe fo. Different writer it would have been, maybe its lack of genre training, I have a few writer friends/professors who would agree with that assumption. I’m not convinced though. I think you have to be in sync with your stories. I think you have to coax them out. I think you have to give them a space to live. I hadn’t done that. I simply assume I could force the story out.

I started diligently working on Carrie Starr book two a month ago, or so. It isn’t Planet o terror, it’s a different book. Planet of Terror is now book three. I’m letting the story come at its own pace. Carrie is setting her own terms, and I am listening. I am writing everyday, maybe only a few sentences. Maybe a few pages, but it is happening every day, and I’m in love again with the world I created.

Carrie Starr book two will get finished and published. It’s not the easy fast write I’d assumed it would be, but its also a better story, and I am a better writer for the experience.





The Gossip Test

We need to learn how to live in a Fluxtopia. If you’re not sure what a Fluxtopia is, check out my earlier posts on Fluxtopia. Simply put, we live in a state of constant change.

How do you function in a constant state of flux? You have to decide what your core values are. What’s important to you? This has always been the ultimate knowledge: Know Thyself. If you actually know who you are, you know what you want. The world may change around you, but you can stay consistent, stay stable.

How do you know thyself?

When I was an undergraduate I bounced from major to major, not sure why I was even in college. I knew I wanted a degree— in truth, not having one was never an option for me. My parents wanted me to have a job, ideally as a medical doctor. I was a dutiful son and majored in pre-med — even took the MCAT. I confused their version of who I was for who I actually was. I think they made the same mistake of seeing me, not as me, but as their version of me. I took pre-med classes and did what I was supposed to do, but every chance I got, I took English, anthropology, and religious studies classes. I was miserable, my GPA was in shambles, and I was clueless.

I read an interview in Omni Magazine with Francis Crick about how he and James Watson had become genetics pioneers. Crick was spending his nights at the pub, and had no direction. He realized he had to change. The story resonated with me. I wasn’t hanging out in pubs, but I was aimlessly taking courses I didn’t like, and worse yet, I’d just earned decent scores on my MCAT, meaning I’d probably get into a medical school. It wouldn’t be a good medical school as my GPA sucked, but I knew how to write a great admissions essay and interview well, not to mention I had always been a chameleon and could easily present my parents’ version of me as my version of me.

This terrified me. I was creating a life for myself that I didn’t want. I’d seen how miserable my mother and father were by chasing other people’s dreams. That, however, is not my story to tell.

Reading the Omni article opened my eyes. I realized I actually had a choice in what I wanted to study: a choice in who I was. It was the end of the semester, so I did the unthinkable. I dropped out. I unenrolled myself from the next semester of classes, and decided to put what I’d read to good use. I decided to apply the Gossip Test.

In the article, Crick, realizing he was aimlessly wasting his life in pubs, designed an experiment to see what he should do with his life. He called it the Gossip Test. Every night, after pubbing, he stumbled home and wrote down everything he’s argued with his friends about. His premise for the experiment was that if he could find the things that really excited him— the things he was passionate about— he’d know what to do with his life. 

This was a revolutionary idea to me. The idea that what I was interested in should drive my life’s work, and not be driven by what everyone said I should be interested in.

In a good scientific manner, I set my experiment. I would drop out of college for a year, write down everything that really excited me daily— conversations, books, magazine articles, movies— everything. At the end of the year I would either know college wasn’t the choice for me, or I’d know what I wanted to study.

Nine months into the experiment, I saw a trend in my Gossip Test journal. I spent a weekend  categorizing my data. Going through my journal and creating categories from my entries (movie quotes, song lyrics, stories unfinished, and arguments with friends) formed a cohesive story. There was a consistent trend in what I was passionate about. I was passionate about understanding the human experience. I was passionate about telling stories, and how we tell them.

I knew I had to go back to college. I also knew I needed to study either Anthropology or English. I chose Anthropology. More importantly, I started asking the most important questions: who am I? What do I want? 

Francis Crick in that Omni interview had exposed me to a universal truth: Know Thyself, and he’d given me a tool to start.

How does this help with Fluxtopia?

When the world is uncertain and out of control, you can let yourself get swept away by the chaos, or you can choose to follow your internal drive, or calling, or drummer, or whatever you call it.

You can choose to not get swept away by the chaos and chart your own course, but only if you know what that course is. The only way you can do that is to know who you are, and what you want.

Writing Itself

This still feels a little surreal to me. I was interviewed for a writing podcast called Writing Itself. Sean, the host, is narrating some audio books for me. He has an AMAZING. Voice, and is a pretty decent fellow. He’s a loser a writer, and like all writers likes to talk about writing. The episode is about a half hour long. I still don’t like hearing my own voice played back to me, but it was fun to talk shop and slide further into my new writer’s life. You can listen to me ramble here. I f that doesn’t work use this link. https://writingitself.com/listen-here

Stepping on The Scale

Eventually these health post will go in the health section, but for right now they’re here. Why is a writer starting their writer’s site with health post? Its easy, until I figured out the relationship between my mind and body I couldn’t figure out how to write, or fully live for that matter. Here goes the first post:

I stepped on the scale. It had been nine months since I started my journey, and I was in uncharted territory. The scale read two hundred thirty nine pounds. I almost cried. I texted my best friend. For most people, two hundred thirty nine pounds would make them cry tears of desperation. For me, it was sheer joy. It gave me a level of confidence I hadn’t experienced since I was a kid.


A few years earlier, I stepped on the scale at my doctor’s office: three sixty five. I quit stepping on the scale after than, even refusing at the doctor’s office. I was in bad shape; my heart would periodically race. I wound up in the emergency room to stop it. Every time I checked my blood pressure it was high. I was always tired. I was depressed.


Even though I refused to step on the scale my pants kept getting tighter. Everything kept getting worse. I decided to change. I had to change.


I’ve been overweight since I was five years old. My parents stocked up on Ding Dongs and I found them in the freezer. In a matter of one winter, I went from being the skinny kid in kindergarten to being the fat kid. My parents did what they could. Tried to restrict my food. Tried to get rid of junk food. Tried to tell me about diets. They tried to help, to tell me to lose weight.
I was overweight, but I was healthy. I was an active kid: swam, played soccer, hiked. I was always active. I just ate too much, and as I gained weight, I ate more.


Growing up fat meant I was the butt of almost every joke. I had man boobs before the girls in my grade got theirs. Although I didn’t realize it until recently, I learned to be ashamed of my body. Between the kids’ jokes, and well-meaning parents talking about dieting, I became ashamed of my body.


When I stepped on the scale in the doctor’s office I was in my late thirties. I had spent over thirty years being ashamed of my body, being ashamed of who I was. When I stepped on the scale in the doctor’s office, I almost gave up. As my pants started getting tighter and I realized I wasn’t going to see my kids grow up — I changed.


I started walking, only a few blocks at first, but I started walking every day. I got up, fed my kids breakfast, took them to school, and then went for a walk. We were living in the Rockies and it was November. It was cold, but I walked. It snowed, and I walked. The schools closed because of the snow and ice, and I walked.
Eventually, I worked up to three miles a day every day. It took several months, but I got there. My weight went from what I suspect was three eighty to two ninety five.


Then we moved and I started a new job, and the walking stopped. Some of the weight returned. I kept my weight between three hundred and three hundred twenty for several years. I felt good, but I still wasn’t there yet. I tried dieting, I tried different workout programs, but nothing stuck until this year. It’s been nine months since my change. The last time I weighed in, I weighed two hundred thirty seven pounds. I’ve lost sixty three pounds in nine months and I’ve learned to accept my body. I’ve learned to not let other people judge me. I’ve learned to wear tank tops in public.
As silly as that sounds, wearing tank tops in public has been a revolutionary act for me. It’s hot where I live and tank tops are very comfortable. I’d wear them while working around the house or doing yard work, but every time I left the house, I’d change into a regular shirt. I thought I did this because of some fashion sense, or class.
After that weigh-in I remembered why I wore jackets, even in the summer in high school. I wore them to hide my man boobs. My T-shirts were always too tight and showed my body. I was terrified of what other people would think of my body. I knew what I thought.


At two thirty seven I am still overweight, but I am proud of my body. It’s mine and I refuse to let anyone fat shame, or to let me fat shame myself. I decided that day I would wear tank tops in public when it’s hot. The first time I felt like I was in a naked dream, you know the one where you’re giving a speech or something and you realize you don’t have any clothes on. As I walked through the store I felt nude, vulnerable. I wasn’t hiding my body. Everyone could see my body. At first I feared what the other shoppers would think. Then I started to remember all of the times someone made me feel bad about my body, then I didn’t care. I was comfortable and I looked good. Sure, I’m technically overweight, but so are most people. Besides, it doesn’t matter. I feel good and I understand myself. That’s worth more than anyone else’s opinion.


After a lifetime of struggling with my weight and self image, I was finally free.


If you’re reading this, I assume you can relate. Maybe you haven’t been overweight most of your life, like me, or maybe you have. It doesn’t matter. We are taught, from a young age, what beauty is, and almost none of us live up to that image. You don’t have to, but you do want to be healthy, both mentally and physically. You do want to get control of yourself and your body. You wouldn’t be reading this if you weren’t ready for change.


If you want to change, this might will help you. I will share my experiences with you and help you find your own path. Despite what I thought I knew, weight loss and getting healthy isn’t hard, and it isn’t expensive. It’s about you deciding to change. It’s about you understanding that real change happens slowly. It’s about you learning about yourself, and your body

Welcome to My Worlds

I’ve spent most of my life dreaming of worlds that didn’t exist. Or worlds that didn’t exist yet. I’ve also spent most of life avoiding the thing I wanted most. I wanted to be a writer, but writers are poor, they said. Writers are miserable, they said. I believed them. I trusted them. I avoided following my dreams.

Maybe I’ve finally grown up. I hope not adults sucks. Maybe ideas are viruses demanding to be spread. I don’t know. What I do know is I’m finally doing what I’ve always wanted to do. I am writing. More importantly, I am publishing.

I am being me.

—Scott—