Remembering My Ghost

https://scott-maiorca.medium.com/d4a038714069

I can remember my dad’s accident. He was standing outside my bedroom window. I see this from across the street. I was barely three, I was never allowed to cross the street, but yet I see our front yard from across the street. My dad collapses and then he’s gone. MY grandparents, his parent materialize. Grandmother Sally is distraught, a cigarette hangs loosely from her mouth. Grandpa John stands to the side: aloof. Grandmother’s sadness will go away. She will have a range of emotions. Granpa John will remain aloof, or angry. He has only three emotions.

This is how I remember my dad’s parathyroid episode. This is not how it happened. My dad Was in San Antonio, TDY, temporary duty assignment, when he collapsed and had to have emergency surgery. My grandparents came to Oklahoma as soon as they could, probably a few days by car. My mother, grandmother, and I drove to San Antonio to see my dad in the hospital. 

I remember none of that. I remember him removing my rusty window screen. Taking it off of the brown brick house, and setting it on the ground, and then collapsing.

It wasn’t the only brickhouse we had when I was a kid. It’s the first time I remember moving. I knew we were somewhere before the brown and red brick house in Midwest City, but no idea where.

 The living room wasn’t carpeted. I’d lay on the floor on Sunday afternoons watching the Sunday Matinee’s creature features and classic Horror films. I was four years old, and my mom delights in telling my sons what a handful I was at that age. The Creature feature may have been the only thing that settled me down.

My Dad was in Medical school and my mom was in graduate school. They both were Air Force officers. Watching Tv kept me out of their hair while they studied.

The house was haunted. I remember looking down the hallway that connected my bedroom to my parents, and seeing it. I was late one night, they were asleep, I’d been put to bed hours before. I don’t know why I was awake staring over the child gate blocking my door. But I was. And there it was. In the center of the hallway was the translucent spectre of a mad scientist, lab coat goggles and all. I did the only thing I could do. I climbed over the child gate and ran straight through him. I didn’t stop until I reached the safety of my parents’ bed.  These events happened almost nightly while we lived in that house. I can still see the translucent mad scientist when I close my eyes and try to remember. I haven’t seen him in a house ever since.

Looking back I was too young to watch Karloff’s Frankenstein, or Chaney’s wolfman. I was to young to be left alone in the living room for hour at a time. Yet I understand now how much that time with the creature feature shaped who I am today. 

I enjoy solitude. I enjoy creature features. Most of all my imagination still goes wild at the creaks of a settling house, or a dark foggy day.

Only now I know it’s my imagination, and not the mad scientist ghost.

 I miss him.

Maybe Discomfort is a Blessing

I think we get comfortable very easily, at least I do. It’s not just me though. Culture likes to be in a steady state, and equilibrium of sorts, where everything runs smoothly. It’s human nature, it’s nature’s nature, everything moving the way it always has. We assume the way it always will be.

I know that was true with my health. Years of eating garbage, because it tasted good— it was comfort food. Ultimately that life style would have killed me quickly. Change, that change came because I hit a level of discomfort, literally. Back pain, not all the big goals, got me to start yoga, and a new steady state started.

There are other areas of life besides health. Discomfort there also causes movement. I’m comfortable with my income, but I’ve set goals that far exceeded it. Being comfortable means my goals are out of reach, because I won’t do the extra things needed to reach those goals. I’ll stay in the steady state even though I want more.

I’m feeling discomfort now, things are getting tighter. Maybe not really, but they feel that way. That discomfort is pushing me to a different steady state, the push to get back to comfort. For that I am grateful.

A Stoic Exercise`

I’m finding myself dealing with uncertainty. My temporary job feels like it’s wrapping up. I don’t know if I’ll be kept as they reduce staff. I might be I do my job exceptionally well, but I can’t know that for sure. With the uncertainty comes the anxiety. The second glueing questions, the not knowing.

It presents me with a great stoic exercise. There are aspects of this I can control, do the best job I can. I can’t control if that let’s me keep the job, or if my best is the best — maybe someone is better than me, more useful. I can’t control that, so I shouldn’t try. In this case I should follow my Tao enter the stream, and go with the flow.

As I’m researching my options, moving forward, there are things I can know. Things like are there similar positions available. Can I duplicate the pay scale? I am actively researching these, and should, because I can know the answers. Knowing the answers reduces they uncertainty. It decreases the anxiety. The questions I can’t know th answers to like what happens next, I shouldn’t fret about. I can’t know those answers and that’s where I should enter the stream/go with the flow.

This could be an exercise of any philosophy, I guess, even in the post I’ve mixed Taoism and Stoicism. With the being said I think Epictetus said it better than I could.

“Some things are in our control and others not. Things in our control are opinion, pursuit, desire, aversion, and, in a word, whatever are our own actions. Things not in our control are body, property, reputation, command, and, in one word, whatever are not our actions. The things in our control are by nature free, unrestrained, unhindered; but those not in our control are weak, slavish, restrained, belonging to others. Remember, then, that if you suppose that things which are slavish by nature are also free, and that what belongs to others is your own, then you will be hindered. You will lament, you will be disturbed, and you will find fault both with gods and men. But if you suppose that only to be your own which is your own, and what belongs to others such as it really is, then no one will ever compel you or restrain you. Further, you will find fault with no one or accuse no one. You will do nothing against your will. No one will hurt you, you will have no enemies, and you not be harmed.”

― Epictetus, Enchiridion and Selections from the Discourses

The Tiger Can’t Kill Us Anymore

The tigers can’t kill us anymore. That’s my new motto. There’s a lot of uncertainty in everyone’s lives right now. There’s a lot of uncertainty in mine. We are job hunting in a pandemic. Our lease is expiring. I am calm and focused. I have every right to be freaked out, but that doesn’t serve me or anyone else living in Fluxtopia.

All of the freak-out feelings, anxiety, stress, being overwhelmed, are evolutionary adaptations left over from our hunting and gathering days. They are our programmed response to the unknown, to the dangers that lurked behind every bush. Lurked, past tense, since we don’t live in that world anymore, but our monkey mind wants to keep us alive from threats that aren’t real anymore. The tigers can’t kill us anymore.

When you’re in the middle of a tiger-induced meltdown, you have to stop it. You have to stop giving in to the monkey mind, and its fears of tigers. When we’re panicked we make bad decisions. At least, I know I have in the past.

So how do you do that? First, Know Thyself. Who are you? What do you want? If you’re not sure, check out the Gossip Test http://dscottmaiorca.com/?p=146I posted about earlier. Know Thyself: knowing who you are has always been the key to beating the metaphoric tigers. The Greeks knew, and that’s why it was written above the Oracle of Delphi, that and “all things in moderation.” Epictetus, a Greek philosopher, was born a slave but became one of the greatest philosophers ever. He knew anxiety, the monkey-mind, and tigers. Epictetus put it this way, “say what you would be, then do what you have to do.” The first step: Know Thyself. The second step: do the work.

You can’t do the work, whatever it is, if you let your monkey mind worry about the imaginary tigers. How do you quiet it? I’ve found a few tricks that have worked for me, which I’ll cover in greater detail later, but for now, I know who I am and what I want. Given our lease situation, I don’t want to be homeless – so I am focused on that, and doing that work. The work calling about rentals, checking on buying an RV. Right, that is the primary goal. In Fluxtopia you have to have that figured out and you have to do the work. 

I have other goals, longer term goals, like writing, blogging, and being healthy.  I am still working towards those, and still doing what I have to do to achieve them, but I’m focusing on the primary tiger first. I’m focusing most of my energy on that goal. You have to do that in Fluxtopia. Truthfully you always have, but in a flux it’s more obvious than ever. 

If you have figured out who you are and what you want then, you figure out what tiger, if any, is most important. Like I said earlier, for me, housing is the primary tiger. Not facing that one will impact every other tiger. Focusing on that has made it easier to quiet the monkey mind. 

Your tigers might not be so obvious, but they might. You have to figure out what tiger has the biggest impact on you, what tiger impacts the other ones. Focus on that, and when your monkey mind starts to chatter, remind yourself there is only the one tiger. It’s not perfect, but it helps. You can face one tiger easier than facing an army of tigers. 

Knowing which tiger to fight helps quiet the monkey mind. You have to decide which one is most dangerous, and focus on that. When you feel overwhelmed or panicked and start dwelling on the other things – or all of them at once – remind yourself the tigers can’t kill you anymore. 

Unless you let them.

How to Use the Gossip Test In Fluxtopia

I know a lot of you left the Gossip Test post saying something to the effect of: that’s a great idea, but haven’t you noticed the world is collapsing and we don’t have a year to find ourselves? We need answers now. I left the post with the same thoughts. I also left the post knowing that this post was coming – how to use the Gossip Test In Fluxtopia. If you haven’t read The Gossip Test, feel free to click herehttp://dscottmaiorca.com/?p=146.

With lockdown and quarantine, I’ve had an opportunity to really look at what’s important to me and what I actually value. Sheltering in place forcibly removed tons of my distractions – tons of my excuses for why I was too busy to do things I said were important.

It also created new distractions. A few months ago my wife lost her job to COVID related downsizing. She has been our primary income earner this year, while I took care of the kids, finished my MFA, and started publishing. Unemployed in the pandemic age is not where anyone wants to be, but this is Fluxtopia. Uncertainty, a little more obvious right now than I’d like, is the norm. At first we panicked, looking for and applying for almost every job in the country that we were qualified for. It was overwhelming. I was overloaded, almost to the point of not being able to function. I could get job applications turned in by completing marathon Bataan Death Marches for a few days, then I’d spend just as long doing nothing, unable to focus. I was stuck.

Then I remembered some simple stoic wisdom.

You can’t control the world. You can’t control the pandemic. You can control yourself, and how you react. That’s where the Gossip Test comes in again.

Faced with massive uncertainty and a bleak outlook, I sat down to re-figure out who I was. To reconnect with me. To try once again to Know Thyself.

Circumstances dictated that I didn’t have a year to gather my data. I didn’t even have a month. So I started observing myself again. I found an old notebook and started taking notes on everything that really excited me. Given the circumstances, the notes were from books I am reading, job descriptions, text messages, my weekly phone call with my best friend, and a few TV shows I watch. I also started gathering what my kids were talking about, and what excited them.

My wife and I put all those notes and ideas together in a new and improved family Gossip Test, and came up with the patterns, the ideas, and the trends. Seeing what everyone wanted and Knowing Ourselves allowed us to pick a location, to focus on what was important to us, and apply for nearly sixty jobs between the two of us. These were jobs that made sense for us, jobs that met our needs.

While we’ve focused on what we want, what allows us to move forward, and what fits who we are, we haven’t stopped looking for options that help us in the short run. We still have to put a roof over our heads and food on the table. There’s a zen saying: Before enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. A dear friend abbreviates it CW/CW. Even if you Know Thyself, CW/CW still applies. So, while focusing on the end goal, we are looking for short term, local jobs that let us CW/CW. That’s a key in Fluxtopia: plan for the future, but provide for the moment.

I know uncertainty is scary, especially if you have kids. Uncertainty and the unknown are the norm in Fluxtopia. We have to learn how to accept that, and how to navigate that. That starts with knowing who you are. There’s a reason Know Thyself is written above the entrance to the Oracle of Delphi. There’s a reason it’s a passage in Hamlet. You can’t control Fluxtopia, though you can control how you respond to it, and to do that you have to know who you are. You have to Know Thyself, and even the short-form Gossip Test will help you do that.