I’m Done Kicking Myself For Not Being Someone Else

I published my first Novella in 2019. I was finishing my MFA and. Had taken countless writing classes over the years. I thought I knew everything. Of course I didn’t, and still don’t. Here are a few things I have learned since then. 

When I first published, everything I’d read said to keep your genres separate. If you write in different genres, use a different pen name for each. That sounded like good advice, and I think for a rapid release author that’s still true. Rapid release authors publish a book every month or at least every two months.

I am not a rapid release author. I write daily, but my brain doesn’t focus on one story at a time. Currently, I am writing on four different novels/novellas and a slew of short stories. I will finish them all. I write about a thousand words a day towards them. That means over a year I may finish two of the novels and some short stories, or I may finish tons of shorts and one novel. So far this year, it’s early April. I have finished four short stories, and one novelette. This year I have written 100,000 good, mostly publishable words. I’ve tried sticking to one story at a time, and my brain just doesn’t work like that.

Listening to my muse and writing what she tells me works for me as long as I write daily. As long as I write daily, I will complete my projects. It will just take me longer.

I used to feel bad about that. I could see very successful indie authors. A couple of them are friends of mine in real life. I’ve watched one of them write a 1000,000 word novel in a week, then spend less than a week copy editing and designing the book cover. I tried to be like them. Trying to be like them caused me to create so much pressure for myself that I quit trying to write for publication. I didn’t quit writing. I just did free writes and an occasional writing session beyond that. Eventually that pressure turned into kicking myself, for not being someone else. 

I firmly believe the secret to life was written about the Oracle of Delphi’s cave several thousand years ago. Know thyself and all things in moderation. I told my students for years that’s the secret of life. I’ve told them if they actually know who they are, then they’d be harder to stop. If you know who you are, you know what you’re capable of, and you know what you’re worth. I, on their other hand, didn’t know who I was, at least as a writer. I tried being someone else. I was terrible at being someone else.

Christmas Eve I gave myself permission to be myself as a writer. Over 1000,000 good, publishable words in a little over three months, shows I’m a pretty good me. I’m writing great stories, submitting them to traditional publications, submitting quarterly to Writers of The Future, and getting close to finishing my first full-length novel.

I’m also done kicking myself for not being someone else.

What I’ve Learned Since Publishing Carrie Starr.

I’ve earned several advanced degrees, but I’m definitely a slow learner. I’ve been telling stories, writing them, since first grade. In hindsight it seems obvious I’ve always been a writer— I am a writer. I’ve done my best to avoid that— not sure why. I’m not sure that matters either. The fact I accept that is the important thing.

After years of dabbling, and denying my writing I released my first novel in November of 2019. I assumed I’d release my next one very shortly. I even set up an amazon preorder. I didn’t make my own deadline. I didn’t finish book two Planet of Terror. I didn’t know why either and I felt like a failure, especially refunding the few preorders that had been made.

I’ve come to discover I was trying to write the wrong story. Carrie Starr is fun — pulp— not meant to be deep literature. So, I assumed writing the next would be easy. Maybe fo. Different writer it would have been, maybe its lack of genre training, I have a few writer friends/professors who would agree with that assumption. I’m not convinced though. I think you have to be in sync with your stories. I think you have to coax them out. I think you have to give them a space to live. I hadn’t done that. I simply assume I could force the story out.

I started diligently working on Carrie Starr book two a month ago, or so. It isn’t Planet o terror, it’s a different book. Planet of Terror is now book three. I’m letting the story come at its own pace. Carrie is setting her own terms, and I am listening. I am writing everyday, maybe only a few sentences. Maybe a few pages, but it is happening every day, and I’m in love again with the world I created.

Carrie Starr book two will get finished and published. It’s not the easy fast write I’d assumed it would be, but its also a better story, and I am a better writer for the experience.

Welcome to My Worlds

I’ve spent most of my life dreaming of worlds that didn’t exist. Or worlds that didn’t exist yet. I’ve also spent most of life avoiding the thing I wanted most. I wanted to be a writer, but writers are poor, they said. Writers are miserable, they said. I believed them. I trusted them. I avoided following my dreams.

Maybe I’ve finally grown up. I hope not adults sucks. Maybe ideas are viruses demanding to be spread. I don’t know. What I do know is I’m finally doing what I’ve always wanted to do. I am writing. More importantly, I am publishing.

I am being me.

—Scott—